Hitler is Alive: Report from the Hell

- My Fuhrer, my Fuhrer, - Goering - muttered fearfully, sweating, - I swear it’s not my fault…

- Shut your mouth, you fool, - yelled Hitler, - I still remember how you betrayed me in April 1945! Why the hell did I humiliate myself for 50 years before his Majesty Satan, to drag you off boiling tar and transfer you here to the Reich Chancellery, eh? What hell torment is not enough for you? Here, look at Rosenberg and Himmler – they work not in vain! Rosenberg perfectly executed my task specified in the great book Mein Kampf: the Soviet Union is destroyed; the living space in the East is growing… Schellenberg und Canaris with their fairy developed intelligence network managed to ruin the Soviet industry, that neither Wehrmacht nor your vaunted Luftwaffe could dream of it in 1941! They are trying to reconstruct it just now, in some way… And Goebbels? It is an extra -class master! He works in Baltic States… I repeat once more: you are dummkopf, yeah, dummkopf, Goering!
Hitler stroke furiously his fist on a giant table covered with green baize and ran across the hall. His adjutants Schmundt and Kluepke standing at the entrance turned after Fuhrer like stuffed dummies. From the table side where Himmler sat called a snide muffled giggle.

- Asshole, - Goering thought drearily, - he set me up, again… Just like in the life, as if I did not die…

- And Himmler, - continued Hitler, - this is a real master of his craft! He to arrange things so that now our SS legionaries are freely marching in the Baltic capitals! Do you see now, you fat idiot! Clear or not?

- My Fuhrer, - tried Goering stammering, - it’s not my fault, it’s Bormann… It’s all him…

- А-а-а, - the Fuhrer screamed shrilly stamping his feet and shaking his head, - shut your mouth, you stupid pig, or I order Schmundt to send you onto a pan for at least three hundred years! (with these words the silky and velvet adjutant’s tail eagerly stretched out …)

- How could you end up with such idiotism, - the Fuhrer went on having recovered his breath, - to miss the pearl of the Third Reich – Ukraine… While everything was organized as it should: our man was President who managed annual celebration of Holodomor and filled all Ukraine with monuments of Bandera and his associates… Himmler and Goebbels did everything for you, fat dumbo, they have even nearly kicked out the Russian fleet out of Sevastopol… Canaris performed a brilliant operation in Georgia, and it is not his fault but yours, you fat pig, that our Georgian agent stupidly lost the operation to capture South Ossetia and Abkhazia! You, it was you, you drunkard who slipped into the necktie he was chewing a laxative instead of cocaine, so that at the most tense time, when Russian troops entered into Tskhinvali our agent bravely sat in a retired spot instead of commanding the troops… I’ll never forgive you, Goering, never!

Goering fell down on his knees.

- Please, no, ohhh no, my Fuhrer, - he wept frantically wiping tears pouring down his fat cheeks.

- Hm, - said Hitler with satisfaction, - well… Canaris, report about the status of the Russian armed forces. And you, Goering, keep in mind that if I receive such a report from the Abwehr chef once more, you’ll have to lose all your fat and you’ll never see water, ever!

- My Fuhrer, - began admiral taking a pointer and going to a globe, - I’m pleased to state, according to objective agents’ reports that the state of the Russian armed forces does not allow them to start aggression against NATO. Moreover Russia confirms with all its actions that it is not going to fight against anybody. The advantage of NATO in the common arms is overwhelming. Thanks to Dr. Goebbels the special operation under code name Donkey tail is going successfully that is directed to establish the ABM system in Eastern Europe. As a covering thesis, the threat of missile attacks in Europe from lesser developed African tribes is used... - And what, - the Fuhrer interrupted the reporter, - do the Russians believe in it?

- It does not matter, - Canaris smiled insinuatingly, - the main thing is that those who will pay for it, i. e. Europeans, believe in it, or at least pretend that they do… Field marshal Keitel put all his effort in the development of the operation Donkey tail…

- Well, well, - Hitler rubbed his hands with pleasure, - good job, Keitel, attaboy (the lean field marshal jumped abruptly, hardly catching the falling monocle), I hope you will improve the situation in Europe even more. You could offer Europe to create an integrated warning system against night moths’ invasion… Go on, admiral, your report makes me confident of victory… How does Poland behave, and those, what are they, Baltic States, and other “young NATO members”?

- They are ready to everything, my Fuhrer! – Admiral reported soldierly.

- More specifically, Canaris, what are they ready for? – asked Hitler with interest.

- My Fuhrer, not long ago owing to the initiative of Mr. Audronius Azubalis, Lithuania’s Minister for Foreign Affairs, the Ministers for Foreign Affairs of Lithuania, Latvia, Bulgaria, Czech Republic and Romania addressed to Viviane Reding, European Commissioner for Justice, asking her “not to forget the crimes of the communist regime”. As stated by Hr. Azubalis, a part of Europe still “does not duly realize the crimes of the communist regime”. Everybody knows about Nazism crimes while only a part of Europe knows about the crimes of the totalitarian communist regime”, said the head Lithuania’s Minister of Foreign Affairs. President of Lithuania Dalia Grybauskaitл supported this proclamation, too...

- Who came to this idea, - asked the Fuhrer joily, - certainly it was not Goering...

- Of course not, - the Abwehr head nodded curtly, - it was the Reichsminister of propaganda Goebbels.

- Joseph, my friend, - said the Fuhrer gently approaching the sitting Goebbels, - you prove your endless loyality again and again, just like in April 1945; I suppose you deserved a reward – the abolition of all devilish tortures for a thousand years and a present of fifty grams of water after the meeting! (Goebbels fainted with joy)

- Dear Sirs, I think it’s make no sense to discuss Reichsminister Goering’s activity, - went on Hitler stroking his fair shepherd Blondie’s head, - everything is clear… All the same, we’ll be on Volga, Berlin was and will stay German. As for you, Goering, I warn you, handle the case, you're on the verge of a last round of hell, Goering, do you hear me, you, brainless donkey! Keep it in your mind!
- My Fuhrer, I’ll do everything I can! I swear, my Fuhrer, - Goering snapped, stretching up and trying to draw his huge belly, sighing with relief (he did not suppose that the Russian resident shepherd Blondie, that was a masked sophisticated agent Lieutenant General Maxim Maximovich Isaev, has already managed to informe someone about the last meeting).

The reportage is shot with a hidden camera and recorded by Gustav von Boarman, correspondent of daily paper “Nicht ad kapitulieren und Drang nach Osten marschieren”